This is it. I’m so fucking sick and tired of myself. I’m tired of being the fat girl. I’m tired of feeling ugly. I’m tired of not getting any modeling jobs. AND I’M SO FUCKING TIRED OF NOT FITTING IN MY FUCKING CLOTHES.
I know it’s been a while since my last entry here. I don’t know what happened. or, actually I do know what happened and I’m gonna throw it right out. I gave up. yes, I fucking gave up. You know why? Cause I’m a fucking failure. Yes. I can’t do shit. I can’t stop eating. I just lost all that I was fighting for, and now, I’m waaaaaaaaaaay behind.
These last weeks, or even months, I have been binging like a fucking mad person. I don’t think I’ve behaved like this before. I mean, after starving myself, my brain just craved sweets and food and all kinds of fatty stuff. I can’t believe it. I was afraid of my weighing scale cause I knew exactly what it whould show me. I knew that it would tell me I was a failure. I knew, but I didn’t want the proof. So I didn’t weigh myself since forever. I didn’t visit any ED sites or read any ana blog, and I erased all my ana songs from my iPod. But even though I tried to ignore these things, I couldn’t. Somehow I always kept thinking that I should weight myself, I should stop eating, I should start counting calories again.
So today I finally decided to weigh myself. And I was not surprised. I was almost sure that I was back to square 1 again. Or mabye even where I haven’t been before. And this was just a few minutes ago actually. My max weight was 66 kg, and today I am 68. THAT 2 KILOS MORE! It’s fucking obese. And I feel fucking obese, and I look so fucking obese. This has to stop. I’m not tolerating this. By summer I want to be at least 55 kg. So I have a lot of kilos to lose. I need to get rid of 14 kg. Minus 14 kg by end of May.
I realised that my good old “counting calories” method is the best one. Sticking to under 800-500 kalories a day. Probably 800 on days when I don’t have my volleyball practices, and 500 on calmer days. Sounds pretty neat to me.
So my first goal will be 65 kg by valentines day. I think that should be pretty easy. If I make it, I will treat myself with a nice red bracelet. Mabye I’ll make one on my own!
Wish me luck, and stay strong my friends.
4 Comments
February 24, 2009 at 10:59 am
Hi, I don’t know if you’re still doing this, but I just wanted you to know that I adore your blog, and I really hope that you’re not giving it up. Of course I don’t want you to get hurt, but if you can stick to a rather “healthy” (I too have twisted thoughts about what is a healthy weight loss plan) plan I’m sure you can do it! I’m starting on the ABC diet tomorrow and I’m determined not to give in; this summer is going to be my summer, my first skinny summer. So if you feel like having someone to talk to please contact me, and maybe we can support each other in this battle of loving ourselves. Stay strong, starve on.
February 27, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Hi there !
Just read your blog…
I feel for you, especially ’cause I’m in almost the same situation like you.
Let me explain –
In highschool I was really fat – even fatter than I look now. Every school has a ‘ fat kid ‘ and I was defenitly it. However, I started to lose weight, and got pretty close to looking somewhat thin somewhere a year and half ago. I managed to say no to almost every desire and didn’t have a problem with doing so…
Until all my friends started picking on how thin I looked. I started binging and now I’m back to 63 kilo’s and it is really freaking me out!
I started the abc today and I’m hoping to lose at least 10 kilo’s over the 50 days!
Is it working out for you?
I’m with ya, girl !
Think thin, Be thin!
May 11, 2009 at 8:58 pm
omgosh! hey!! well as sofie said, i don’t know if you’re still doing this… but omgosh when i was reading your blog, it was like reading my own bio, i swear! i totally understand what you were going through… i’m kinda on the same page right now.
k? i won’t… If you read this add me, m_atilda90@hotmail.com. & also come check my blog i started it yesterday! k girl, take care.
& i’m starting the ABC today, wish me luck! good luck to you! & don’t give up girl… don’t you dare!
xoxo, Matilda ;P
May 11, 2009 at 8:59 pm
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