Today I had an emotional breakdown. I had a feeling that my parents were suspicious about my eating habits so I decided to make some breakfast for them just to make sure that they weren’t gonna suspect anything more (also because it is fathers day).
So I woke up about 9 am and made scones and smoothies for them. It was a fail. The smoothies were all good but the friggin scones were rock-hard. My dad got all upset and was yelling at me and I was just so hurt because he made made me feel like I can’t do anyting good. Like I’m not good enough for anybody. Not him, not my modeling agency, not my school and not even myself. Like I don’t deserve to live.
You know that saying that “we all have a purpose here on earth”, well it really feels like I don’t have any purpose. What am I doing here? It feels like all I am is a big fat weight on everybody’s shoulders. I feel so lost and lonely. I’ve never felt like this before.
I ran to my room and just cried and cried and cried like it would never stop. For all kinds of things. My parents came and talked to me and I revealed everything. Well, not everything, though I want to, but still I don’t. I told them about the phone call I got from my agency and that they said that I need to loose weight and I told them about how I always feel like a failure when I don’t score an A on a test or when me and my team loses a game in volleyball.
And when I feel lost and lonely and empty – I eat. I eat, trying to fill me up with something and because it makes me feel good. The taste of something sweet, like chocolate makes me feel good. But usually, I don’t feel filled up with something. Just filled with food, and this ends up as an over-eating aka binging.
If you recognise yourself and feel like I feel, please, don’t feel afraid to contact me. I’m lost like never before, and being able to talk to someone about anything will hopefully make me feel a little less lonely.
Add: nextexit@live.se
3 Comments
November 9, 2008 at 5:18 pm
though ur parents were mean, its good that they came to speak with you.
about feeling like a failure … i guess at some point u have to realise that u cant please everyone and u have to live for ur own happiness. plus, u need to recognise that u cant blame urself for other people’s actions or choices.
hope u feel better soon
November 11, 2008 at 12:23 am
hey girly
I can completely understand how you feel I suffer from severe clinical depresion and to tell you the truth it suck (profound I know) but life can feel like that sometimes the thing is life can suck and be completely beautiful at the same time your parents obviously love you and as for your life give it your everything if you don’t feel thats good enough try something new something unexpected
Your ana friend
Lolo
May 11, 2009 at 9:30 pm
oh sweety well i know you wrote this like 6 months ago… but hey i feel you pain, i constantly feel like that! if you’re still on this plz add me! so we can talk about anything else apart from stupid FOOD
k? m_atilda90@hotmail.com