Ma plus belle culotte

All about boys?

So I have been receiving a lot of comments that men don’t want thin girls and that they’d rather have a curvy woman etc, etc. So I have to make one thing clear here.
I’m not doing this to make boys fall in love with me.
This is a matter of self-control. and a bit of my career as well.
But absolutely nothing with love or boys. Fuck them, they’re all assholes anyway.

Beware the friendly stranger

Hi guys.

So I’m in the point of the year where everything is all about school work and school work and just a little more school work. Spring is soon over and summer is entering. Grades are being set and new bikinis, summer dresses and hot shorts are blossoming in the stores.

I’ve been trying out different ways to make my parents happy and proud about me, and I’ve worked really hard on getting good grades in school. Esp in math, since that is my biggest weakness among all subjects that I have. So I failed one test but my teacher was kind enough to let me pass the course since I passed all other test! I was really happy about it and I told my parents, but wow did I get a completely different response from them. Well, mostly from my dad.

I’m actually gonna quote him. This is what he said: “You are stupid, lazy and spoiled! Children in Africa, that are starving to death and living on the edge of life, get better grades than you do! You don’t deserve the things you have!”

WELL THEN FUCKING ADOPT A SKINNY ASS AFRICAN KID AND BE HAPPY! Forget all about me, I dont exist! He has no idea how much that hurt me… A father is not supposed to tell his own child these things. I couldn’t stop crying. I ran out of the house, just to get out of there. I was so fucking close to giving up completely and just jump off the bridge.

When I came back home he was all like: “What the hell is your problem? Why are you so pissed??”

SERIOUSLY?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM?? I wanted to kill the man!

People should know how sensitive I am to the word starving, and when dad said “children in Africa that are starving to death”, that just hit my buzz.

My parents really dont know me. The only people who really know me are the ones that have read this blog. It’s pretty crazy though. Strangers that I have never met, and who I don’t know about know more about me than my own fucking parents.

I’ve missed this blog. I promise to try to update more often. It’s a shame that my father made me want to write here. Sorry.

Stay strong.

Run to the Sun

Finally, spring is here. Sun is out, heat is approaching.

Somehow, the sun helps me get more motivated.

Soon it’s time to bicycle to school and start jogging in the park.

Don’t forget to add: nextexit.live.se

I bet this makes you feel pretty ugly

This is it. I’m so fucking sick and tired of myself. I’m tired of being the fat girl. I’m tired of feeling ugly. I’m tired of not getting any modeling jobs. AND I’M SO FUCKING TIRED OF NOT FITTING IN MY FUCKING CLOTHES.

I know it’s been a while since my last entry here. I don’t know what happened. or, actually I do know what happened and I’m gonna throw it right out. I gave up. yes, I fucking gave up. You know why? Cause I’m a fucking failure. Yes. I can’t do shit. I can’t stop eating. I just lost all that I was fighting for, and now, I’m waaaaaaaaaaay behind.

These last weeks, or even months, I have been binging like a fucking mad person. I don’t think I’ve behaved like this before. I mean, after starving myself, my brain just craved sweets and food and all kinds of fatty stuff. I can’t believe it. I was afraid of my weighing scale cause I knew exactly what it whould show me. I knew that it would tell me I was a failure. I knew, but I didn’t want the proof. So I didn’t weigh myself since forever. I didn’t visit any ED sites or read any ana blog, and I erased all my ana songs from my iPod. But even though I tried to ignore these things, I couldn’t. Somehow I always kept thinking that I should weight myself, I should stop eating, I should start counting calories again.

So today I finally decided to weigh myself. And I was not surprised. I was almost sure that I was back to square 1 again. Or mabye even where I haven’t been before. And this was just a few minutes ago actually. My max weight was 66 kg, and today I am 68. THAT 2 KILOS MORE! It’s fucking obese. And I feel fucking obese, and I look so fucking obese. This has to stop. I’m not tolerating this. By summer I want to be at least 55 kg. So I have a lot of kilos to lose. I need to get rid of 14 kg. Minus 14 kg by end of May.

I realised that my good old “counting calories” method is the best one. Sticking to under 800-500 kalories a day. Probably 800 on days when I don’t have my volleyball practices, and 500 on calmer days. Sounds pretty neat to me.

So my first goal will be 65 kg by valentines day. I think that should be pretty easy. If I make it, I will treat myself with a nice red bracelet. Mabye I’ll make one on my own!

Wish me luck, and stay strong my friends.

Fat, fatter, me

Today was my hide in the library during lunch time day. I was looking around for books about eating disorders and I found one book about a girl who had the same name as me and even lives in the same city as I do! You bet I borrowed it, and I can’t wait to read it! Books are underrated.

So for the casting part… First of all, I hate being in a room filled up with skinny, tall and good looking girls. They make me feel so bad. So fat. And so ugly. The guys interviewing me didn’t seem to be interested in me. I mean, who would when you get to choose between 20 skinny and flawless girls and fat and ugly me. WHY WOULD THEY WANT ME?

I feel like dying.

Work It

Butt pt 1:

Butt pt 2:

Abs pt 1:

Abs pt 2:

Black Tongue

I hate that I love cookies. I don’t even want to talk about what I ate today.

Last night I had my crying night. I’ve cried so much lately. Just crying and crying for everything. And nobody hears me crying, and I’m not even sure what I’m crying about. Except when I cry about my fatness. I found some anxiety reliever pills in the medicine cabinet. They will be needed in the future, thats guaranteed.

Anyway, I found this new thing called Hoodia, which is said to be an appetite suppressant and has not side-effects. Isn’t that amazing? Like a magic plant. Hopefully I will get my hands on some hoodia pills.

Tomorrow is the casting for ****. And to be honest, I’m really scared. I’m scared of being rejected. But I must face my fears and hopefully, what ever happens, it will make me stronger. But I hope I will get the job so I’ve got some money for christmas!

Wish me luck and stay strong <3

Empty shell

Today I had an emotional breakdown. I had a feeling that my parents were suspicious about my eating habits so I decided to make some breakfast for them just to make sure that they weren’t gonna suspect anything more (also because it is fathers day).

So I woke up about 9 am and made scones and smoothies for them. It was a fail. The smoothies were all good but the friggin scones were rock-hard. My dad got all upset and was yelling at me and I was just so hurt because he made made me feel like I can’t do anyting good. Like I’m not good enough for anybody. Not him, not my modeling agency, not my school and not even myself. Like I don’t deserve to live.

You know that saying that “we all have a purpose here on earth”, well it really feels like I don’t have any purpose. What am I doing here? It feels like all I am is a big fat weight on everybody’s shoulders. I feel so lost and lonely. I’ve never felt like this before.

I ran to my room and just cried and cried and cried like it would never stop. For all kinds of things. My parents came and talked to me and I revealed everything. Well, not everything, though I want to, but still I don’t. I told them about the phone call I got from my agency and that they said that I need to loose weight and I told them about how I always feel like a failure when I don’t score an A on a test or when me and my team loses a game in volleyball.

And when I feel lost and lonely and empty – I eat. I eat, trying to fill me up with something and because it makes me feel good. The taste of something sweet, like chocolate makes me feel good. But usually, I don’t feel filled up with something. Just filled with food, and this ends up as an over-eating aka binging.

If you recognise yourself and feel like I feel, please, don’t feel afraid to contact me. I’m lost like never before, and being able to talk to someone about anything will hopefully make me feel a little less lonely.

Add: nextexit@live.se

vicious

Today I did fine in the morning. I decided to stick to 2 eggs on dark bread just for breakfast and not eat for the rest of the day when suddenly I got this huge craving for sweets. So I ended up binging like a mad person on cookies and milk until a flie landed in my glass of milk.

Disgusting.