everything that goes up, must come down

I hate it when you do really good on something, and then when you reach the peak – everything just crashes down. I can’t even describe how much I ate today. I really don’t want to write about it, I had to force myself to log on here today. I’m pretty sure that I’m on 64kg again. fuck. I don’t dare to weigh myself. Not yet. I need to calm down.

Fuck this. My neighbours son has ADHD (for real) and my bedroom shares wall with their livingroom. You guys can guess how it is for me when I’m trying to get a good nights sleep. God, I can’t wait to move out of this shithole.

I really love it when my parents tell me I should start thinking about what I eat. Just makes me feel so fucking fat. Thanks you guys. If you only knew…

wake

It’s crazy how after fasting for a long period of time, it hurts when you start eating again. After eating a plate of rice and vegetables at school, I got major aches in my stomach a little while afterwards. Maybe I was eating way too quick. Well well. I wont be fasting for a while now… In two weeks I’m gonna do a driving test and hopefully I will pass. So I will need energy until then. After that, I guarantee fasting.

wonderland

Good morning!

I have succeeded 48h of fasting and it feels great! Before breakfast I weighed myself and the scale was on exactly 62kg! I’m so happy!

*edits the follow me page*

I just changed my mind from wearing a little red riding hood outfit to Alice in wonderland. But since im not blonde, I’ll just call it Jackie in wonderland. I don’t want to wear a wig. I already have a blue dress.. so all I need is white stockings or mabye overknee socks and a blue diadem with a big ribbon. We’ll see what I can get.

Eating plans for today: Avoid as much as possible.

litte red riding hood

Today is the second and last day of my lovely little fasting. Today has been okay. I feel so weak at the moment, I have so many stairs to climb to get home since I live on a hill, PLUS the stairs at school. Oh well, it’s all worth it though.

My mom just came home with a bag of muffins… Good God, If I feel the scent of those sweet muffins I’m gonna fell so tortured. My stomach hurts, my mouth is so dry and I have the wooorst headache. I hope that the weighing scale is nice to me tomorrow, otherwise this was a torture of no reason. Well, of chourse there is a reason to all this, but if you don’t see any result from fasting for two days, who wouldn’t be upset?

My friends are planning on a halloween party next week, and I’ve been thinking about what to dress as. I have good old vampire look, but thats so worn out already and pretty boring. So I was looking around on different online shops and saw a picture of a girl with a red cape and it hit me! Little Red Riding Hood! Perfect! I recently bought this really cute dress with flower prints on, so I was thinking of wearing that with white stockings, some cute heels with a strap and then just wear a red cape above. Problem is, where the heck do I find a red cape? Maybe I’ll sew one…

Just a few hours left, Jackie! You can do this!

hear me falling

Day 1 of fasting is successful! I had a great day today. We had a presentation on our psychology experiment today and we got some really good feedback! I’m usually extremely scared of talking infront of a crowd, but somehow I managed to handle it. I’m really proud of myself

So yeah, I didn’t eat anything today. At lunch I managed to get away from my friends and I stayed in the library. The only thing that went down my throat today was 1 cup of green tea, a lot of water & ephedrine. Sounds like a pass to me

Hopefully I’ll manage tomorrow aswell, if I do, I will treat myself with a little something ^^,

Good night and stay strong

Sour

Yesterday morning my weight was 62.2 kg! Which felt amazingly good, so I was really determined to lose 2 hg during the day. But I completely  forgot that my friends were coming over in the evening, and of course they brought big bag of chips, some dipsauce and a lot of soda. I was trying to focus and think ok, I can handle this and I will not binge… You guys can guess how that went.

Around 2am when they left, I had a panic attack. How many calories did I consume? How will I get rid of it? Fuckfuckfuck. I tried so hard to purge, but I couldn’t get anything out. I didn’t dare to weigh myself, because that would only make things worse.

Tomorrow I’m starting my 2 days of fasting. I will not weigh myself until Wednesday morning.

15.10.09

My weight last night was 63.4 and today im 63.0!

Just 2 kg to go and I will reach my interim target 60 kg. Then I will have a bmi that equals to underweight and I will allow myself to buy an ana bracelet.

Yey, go me!

nothing

I had such a bad sleep last night. If I slept at all. I don’t know, I was so numb the whole night. Everything sucks right now. All I could think of was what the guy at the agency said. Did I misinterpret him or what the hell happened? I wish I recorded the whole thing so I could find out.

I’m so ashamed of myself.

So I fasted today, and I will probably do the same tomorrow. I hope. I’m running out of excuses in school now. I haven’t been to our lunch restaurant for more than a week, and I’m afraid that my friends will start noticing my absence.

Anyway, I decided to fast today so I did. Probably tomorrow aswell. Today went fine, but I hate how my mouth gets dry because of the ephedrine. Drinking water hardly even helps, but it’s worth it.

fat bottomed girl

oh fuck. It was a big mistake going to the agency. I wish I didn’t.

As I expected one guy working at the agency took my measurements (ONLY AT MY HIPS), and well, the result was obviously not good enough for them so he said that I need to lose it. But he said it in such a weird way, and explained to me all the different ways that I can loose it like

“worst you can do is eat sugar, sugar is never healthy, bla bla bla, you may have a sinful day once a week at a max – and I mean ONCE a week. Bla bla its better that you eat one whole cake just once instead of small pieces everyday etc etc. bla bla bla bullshit bla bla etc.”

Then he said “you should focus 100% on school now, and then when you graduate in spring mabye you could come back to us and we’ll see how things are then, and we can have a good clean re-start” – and WOAH. Wait. Hold up. DID HE JUST FIRE ME? “Mabye you can come back” ?!?!?! What the F.

and oh yeah, lets not forget “you have normal sized hips, but it can shock the customers” !!!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I’m gonna show them normal sized hips.

ARGH! I’m so emotional and frustrated right now that I don’t know what to do with myself!

FUCK.

I feel like this right now:

put a lid on all that noise

It’s a pretty day today, the sun is out and the trees are changing color but its oh so cold. So I’ll just enjoy the view from inside.

So today is my fasting day, and so far so good. The only thing going into my mouth is water, headache pills and my ephedrine.

I’ve downloaded some working-out videos from youtube and put them into my ipod, so now I can work out anywhere! I love it =)

I’ll probably be fasting tomorrow aswell. After school I’m going to the agency because they asked me to come over last week. Probably gonna take my measurements and take new polaroids – that is, if they still want me in the agency. I know what they will say… something like “you need to loose at least 5kg”. Well I understand them, who wants to hire a fat model? Urgh. I was looking through my portifolio, and it needs a serious update.

Well, wish me good luck